my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
