I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
