I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
