Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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