things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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