Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He felt like a one man threesome
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
