Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
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I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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