omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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