Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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