i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
