I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
