Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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