I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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