i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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