Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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