I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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