When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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