I have demons in me.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
These tits shall not be calmed
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
