I wish my penis had an off switch
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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