wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
