Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
