I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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