great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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