ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
