So drunk, too bad you don't want this
nutella sex= disaster
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
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I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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