It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
