just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
