When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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