She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
