He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
