I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
