I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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