If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
