Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
