he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
