around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.