If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.