shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.