Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
