i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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