I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
