I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
