You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
