hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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