I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
