I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
