I don't remember. Are we still dating?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
