I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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