So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
