my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
