You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
