If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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