he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
