Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
