Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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