OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
