So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
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Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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