i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
where does the pee come out of this thing
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
