you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
