Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
